Sometimes life is crazy in an explainable kind of way. We just know that things happen. The bathroom sink backs up. The dog goes missing. The cat pukes in the middle of your early morning sleepy eyed path and its still warm. The weatherman said 62 and it’s 45. Your email fills up with stuff from the bizarre to the obscene making you wonder who in the world’s out there pressing “send”. Businesses have done away with receptionists and live voices, leaving you in the zone of computerized options that always bring you back to the same option you were at ten minutes ago. The bumper to bumper warranty on your car didn’t cover ball joints after all. Life can be crazy in explainable kinds of ways.
But then, there’s the irrational crazy stuff that makes no sense; the kind of stuff that we can’t wrap our arms around. You know . . . the kinds of things that make no earthly sense to us at all. Discouraged and anxious, we look at some things and can’t see any of God’s redeeming grace in the present situation when just a glimpse would allow us to believe that what we’re witnessing is something a bit less than total insanity. Sure life is crazy at times, but most often if we squint long enough we can at least see something in the rubble and chaos that makes some sort of sense even if it’s nearly imperceptible. But sometimes we can’t… or rather, we fail to.
Sometimes that kind of insanity is what we see in our kids, especially if they’re in their teen years. Somedays you feel as the past 13 to 18 years never occurred and there is now a stranger in the bedroom next to yours. They just do stuff and say things that are pretty much alien as if they were beamed in from some other galaxy a million light years across the cosmos or maybe were driven up from a crash site in Roswell. If you’ve ever wanted to ask your kid “who are you and where did you come from,” then you know what I mean.
However, I think there are ways to connect with kids. Despite some of the oddities, kids are human beings created in God’s image with the same needs that we have. In the confusion and disorientation that so often defines our culture, kids have more need for connection than most adults do. I find that kids are crying out for someone to understand them and bring a sense of ‘sense’ into their spiraling worlds. We can more effectively connect with our teen(s) if we try the following:
Listen to Understand:
Kids don’t feel understood. There is a common perception that adults don’t listen. They just bark orders and dispense “old school” wisdom that we pulled off the shelf of some dead and dusty past. As if it all that we learned up to this point in life is no longer relevant. Kids don’t see value in what adults say primarily because kids don’t feel heard. Getting a hearing brings with it a sense that the listener cares. With caring comes credibility. With credibility comes respect. Respect grants us (the parent) access to the teen’s life in a way that what is communicated is no longer dead and dusty, but alive and relevant. In hearing the teen we set the stage to be heard.
Listening Does Not Imply Agreeing:
Many of us as parents confuse listening with agreeing. Because we do, we tend not to listen, assuming that listening implies agreement. Listening means hearing what our teen is saying whether we agree with it or not. Listening is not validating an errant, incorrect or destructive point of view nor is saying to the teen that their view is ok. Listening communicates that we value the teen regardless of their point of view. That’s powerful!
Accept Your Teen:
Acceptance means that we value and cherish the person. We might not agree with their friends, their choices, their clothing or their text form of communication (i.e. ty; lmoa; ttys; lol; omg; yolo; etc.) , but we accept them as the unique individuals that they are. Acceptance is best achieved by realizing that they are in a major life transition that they can’t figure out. They’re navigating a journey they didn’t ask for in a culture they didn’t create. By and large, they’re just trying to figure out who they are, where they fit, and why they’re here. That’s a enormous task so understand that they’re going to struggle.
It’s not that they don’t want to be loved, it’s more the way in which they’re loved. They want to be cherished by us but during this awkward time of transition. Love needs to be communicated in a manner that matches the transition. Hugging, kissing, inserting sticky notes in lunches and tucking in bed is probably NOT going to go over real big. It’s more about partnering with your teen during this transition; being there, providing a supportive rather than dictating function. It’s saying that we’re committed to our teen during an uncertain time and that we’ll walk with them through it.
Make Them Accountable:
We need to make them responsible for their behaviors and the repercussions of those behaviors. In doing that, we let them know that life will demand this of them. It’s not about hateful parents who are wound too tight. It’s about life and learning to engage life in a way that makes life #1 puts the glory of God first and #2 successful for our teen. In making them accountable, we help them sort through various decisions. In the same way, we help them sort through the repercussions of their choices. In this manner it’s not just accountability, but us being accountable to our teens as their parent.
In conclusion, the teen years are a tough time for both parents and teens. Don’t expect it to necessarily be smooth because transition typically isn’t smooth. Don’t expect perfection because it’s about learning from mistakes. And don’t get overly frustrated because as the old saying goes, “this too shall pass”
We must never forget that God is working all these things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to HIS purpose. Let us not become some enthralled in getting OUR way with our children that we forget His will, purpose or glory.